Lackadaisical

(A word that I was able to spell properly on the first try!)

I wish to drag my feet, but the currents of life pull me along at a sweeping pace. Any attempts made to slow down only result in a backlog of work, stress, and things I desire to do. The work load threatens to strangle me. The unfortunate demise of my dreams to complete my MA in the spring (meaning that I finished it in two years while working full-time, an accomplishment in itself) have contributed to feeling stuck--I thought about leaving after I graduated and moving on. Instead, I stay, though it's not necessarily a bad thing.

I think about my cat. She is busy eating, running around outside, sticking her paws down mole-holes, and trying her hardest to usurp my head's place on the pillow as I sleep. She curls up and sleeps hard, not moving even as I pet her, the deep rumbling from within her furry frame the only sign of her awareness of my presence.

I contemplate diving, the act I finally accomplished three times yesterday evening. I may not be able to jump from a platform, but I dove at last and found it not as bad as I dreaded. I perhaps even enjoyed it, the feeling of directing my body through the water and back to the surface. Like many things I fear and have feared, I find that if I can only get the point of action, the fear lessens, recedes, and becomes manageable. Perhaps this is the first step to overcoming my intense anxiety over leaping from platforms. I have to admit I had to be pushed to dive the first two times, but the third time was the best, when I was able to push myself.

The third draft of my massive paper on Matthew Lewis' The Monk has returned to me, and I find it lacking. And since it is lacking, I have much to do to get it up to snuff. I need to add at least 5 more pages as well as smooth out the writing and add authority and clarity to my ideas. This is my current cause for stress.

I look forward to the holidays: a break from work, expecting sister-in-laws (I found out another one is also having a baby!), gifts, a trip to Spain, and the spirit of jollity that I enjoy. I only hope I can make my way through the obstacles that lie before me until then.