therapy

 I found a therapist, made the call, and got scheduled. All of this was fairly low work, but it required multiple steps, which made me wonder how people who are struggling with executive function ever manage to do it, particularly for therapists who do not return calls or who do not have openings. Luckily, the one I picked was able to schedule me quickly, and we met for the first time, and I sobbed my eyes out and proceeded to feel really exhausted for a day and a half.

In the past, I knew therapy would be helpful, but I never fully pursued it because I had enough coping mechanisms and people to talk to, but this time...well, too many things were happening and I felt too isolated. I'm glad I finally scheduled a session, but the therapist is determined to poke at childhood memories and traumas, which is uncomfortable, to say the least. But important, if I want to be conscious of where my reactions emerge from--and be a better parent to my kids.

The other thing I've been processing has been how I hold emotions in my body. The therapist mentioned something about ways of venting anger (or moving it out instead of shoving it down or suppressing it), and the idea of violently whacking a pole with a tennis racket (her suggestion) made me really anxious. She then suggested that I'm afraid of my own anger, and I think that's accurate.

So I've been thinking on that and asking myself how I'm handling emotions: am I moving it out of my body, or am I shoving it down and holding onto it? Can I accept my anger and be ok with it? Can I use my anger to do something and not shy away from it? How is my anger emerging from fear? How is my fear of my own anger related to my childhood? All fun questions to ask and explore, as I will continue to do.

Last note: the one reason therapy is a bit more accessible/feasible right now is through my employers Employee Assistance Program, so if your employer has one, I highly recommend using it to access mental health services. It's getting me started with 5 sessions with no cost to me, so it removed a barrier to (finally) working with a therapist.