el fin

 It's the end of the semester, hell yes. Normally, I'm excited, but this semester was a slog and was grueling. However, I don't want to just focus on how tough the semester was--I had awesome students, and many of them were kind and supportive of me and let me know that they appreciated me. In my new engineering communication class, I heard positive things from all of them about the class and about how much they learned. So, definitely some successes amidst the pain.

I'm trying not to fall into the trap where a new semester means everything will be magically better because it won't. In therapy terms, it's like "pulling a local," or the wishful thinking that some have about starting over in a new place. The new year/semester won't be the end of the challenges, due to COVID, and there'll be lots of work to do with the new administration. As far as COVID goes, the end is in sight, but it will be some time before we all have access to the vaccine and can begin resuming normal lives, so I'm bracing for a rough winter. We are being furloughed, so I'll be dealing with that in the spring.

But, I'm cautiously optimistic. I'm teaching fewer students and teaching classes I know well. I'm likely going to be on sabbatical next year, and I hope to have space to work on new research projects and apply for funding to support my sabbatical project. I hope to travel next summer/fall. I am involved in a research-support group that is intended to help me develop myself professionally and to make connections with influencers on campus. So, I have lots to look forward to, even while still working from my basement and trying to balance all the things.

But, for now, a celebration to being done and time to start doing some fun Christmas projects, self-care focused tasks, and other fun things.

therapy

 I found a therapist, made the call, and got scheduled. All of this was fairly low work, but it required multiple steps, which made me wonder how people who are struggling with executive function ever manage to do it, particularly for therapists who do not return calls or who do not have openings. Luckily, the one I picked was able to schedule me quickly, and we met for the first time, and I sobbed my eyes out and proceeded to feel really exhausted for a day and a half.

In the past, I knew therapy would be helpful, but I never fully pursued it because I had enough coping mechanisms and people to talk to, but this time...well, too many things were happening and I felt too isolated. I'm glad I finally scheduled a session, but the therapist is determined to poke at childhood memories and traumas, which is uncomfortable, to say the least. But important, if I want to be conscious of where my reactions emerge from--and be a better parent to my kids.

The other thing I've been processing has been how I hold emotions in my body. The therapist mentioned something about ways of venting anger (or moving it out instead of shoving it down or suppressing it), and the idea of violently whacking a pole with a tennis racket (her suggestion) made me really anxious. She then suggested that I'm afraid of my own anger, and I think that's accurate.

So I've been thinking on that and asking myself how I'm handling emotions: am I moving it out of my body, or am I shoving it down and holding onto it? Can I accept my anger and be ok with it? Can I use my anger to do something and not shy away from it? How is my anger emerging from fear? How is my fear of my own anger related to my childhood? All fun questions to ask and explore, as I will continue to do.

Last note: the one reason therapy is a bit more accessible/feasible right now is through my employers Employee Assistance Program, so if your employer has one, I highly recommend using it to access mental health services. It's getting me started with 5 sessions with no cost to me, so it removed a barrier to (finally) working with a therapist.