thinking about the rest

 Last December, I applied for sabbatical, which meant that I was planning to be gone for Fall 2021-Spring 2022, hopefully as funded by a grant. Then the grant window closed because I had no time to work on it (see: raising small children and working from home and a heap of workplace stress), so I thought that I'd just push it to Fall 2022.

But then I chatted with some folks and it swung me back to going for it...and as soon as I confirmed that I indeed would be on sabbatical, I felt an enormous weight lift. L got excited too because my sabbatical gives him flexibility to do some things that he wouldn't be able to do normally (see raising two small children while working from home).

Now, I'm thinking about my projects and plans. I know what I'll be doing research-wise, but I also want to set out some personal plans, like training for a marathon for early 2022 (I haven't run one in 10 years and also haven't been able to train for one). I also think I'd like to spend some of my time volunteering, though I'm not sure what for yet. Perhaps a range of local organizations supporting women and environmental causes.

Anyway, now I'm trying to hold off until Spring Break (2 more weeks to go, agggh) to launch into full-scale planning, but I'm excited about the chance to just think and read and write and talk to people without getting bogged down by the day-to-day emails and the other parts of my job that while enjoyable (like teaching) also demand a lot of my creative energy and brainpower.

slogging on through

 It is the doldrums, the bitter dregs, the dreary sighs. Nothing is specifically awful; everything is specifically shitty. I'm finding ways to distract, deflect, and disrupt, but sometimes, it's just a suck-fest. On the one hand: the weather is improving, I'm able to get out and run and bask in sunshine, the kids are adorable, and I got new glasses so I can see well again. Today, I cleaned my desk off; I ordered a new keyboard. I'm getting a kneeling chair to change up how I sit occasionally (and provide fun for the kids). I'm baking delicious cakes and amazing bread (seriously--I got some amazing height and crumb on my latest one).

On the other hand: work. It sucks. Communication is thwarted, people are seething, nothing is getting done and yet the demands to do more continue to roll in. I'm working all the time and not getting anywhere. I'm behind on getting back student work, and yet I have to take a furlough day this week. Lies are being spread about me. I miss humans, human contact, human faces, feeding my humans, hugging my humans. I hate Zoom; I hate email. I wake up each day to more Zoom meetings and yet more email anyway. Vaccines are coming, but seem so far away, given that university faculty and employees are not in the essential worker list and have to wait for the general group to open. It feels never ending.

I know the pandemic is making everything worse, but I really am unhappy in a job that I typically love. I have some high points--like thinking about offering a new class in a year! working with students!--but a whole lot more low. I respond to one email to have ten more take its place. People ignore my expertise. I try to get things done and nothing moves forward.

So I try to get outside, breathe some fresh air, bake a cake, read a book, and hope that some day soon, I can get a vaccine and hold my friends again.