we're all mad

 I think this is the week that all the academics and teachers (many of whom are also wrangling childcare and other responsibilities while trying to work) have collectively agreed to be done. Like, end the semester now, whatever. I've seen multiple posts from friends and on social media where everyone is just basically so over this semester.

This, my friends, is burnout. Welcome. We are all here with you.

With burnout comes potential grumpiness and bad decision making (or both). I sent out a grumpy email and am now dealing with the fallout, which is real fun, especially when it elicited anger back, etc etc. We're all mad, and I'm mad at myself, mad at being expected to manage other people's emotions, and just mad at the circumstances that are making it more and more challenging to work without overwhelming amounts of stress and anxiety.

Which reminds me, I need to call that therapist. I've picked one, though! So, progress.

So, I'm just trying to manage what I can control for now and be chill and exercise and play with my kids. Today, the baby fell asleep like this in the crib, which is hilarious:

I suspect he was sitting up jabbering and just fell asleep. He's like that--note the tiny foot poking out of the crib bars. He often falls asleep wedged in a corner, but I'm grateful that he sleeps significantly better than the first kid--and he's started sleeping very long stretches at night, including one night where he slept straight until nearly 6am without waking up to nurse. I think, I hope, a pattern is emerging and that by the time he's one, he's sleeping through the night (and maybe we can move him into brother's room and get our room back!).

I also am in the process of baking a chocolate pear cake and am about to go run. I've also even, magically, made some progress on writing this week, and am planning to try to catch up a bit before next week to be able to take a break. Luckily, for me, the end of the semester is always a bit easier than the middle, so most of my time is being spent doing what I enjoy: working with students on their writing and learning. (Admin tasks, on the other hand...)

Anyway, so that's what's going on--I'm grumpy and trying to manage it because we've got a lot more of this to go.

(re)learning spanish

I'm falling into several pandemic stereotypes (ahem, all the pandemic baking), but the latest is starting to learn Spanish. Well, relearn, since I have a BA in Spanish, but I could probably barely survive if I was dropped into a country where only Spanish was spoken. I have the base skills, but they are rusty, rusty, rusty. So, to the free language learning software!

Ideally, I'd find several native speakers and practice with them. I've always been a shy Spanish speaker, however, likely because I don't like failing at things, and learning a language requires you to make lots and lots of mistakes. And speaking a language means you don't get to revise what you say, and as a fast speaker of English, I don't like that very much--my Spanish language skills would never allow me to speak or write as easily and fully as I could in English. However, it's something I'm working on (purposefully doing things I'm not very good at), and I really would like to feel more comfortable with speaking Spanish if I needed to or wanted to. And just remember what it's like to be a learner.

Perhaps in some future semester, I'll sign up for a language class, though I'm not sure what language class I'd choose, and they'd probably be annoyed with me if I signed up for a beginning level class only to discover that I'm not precisely a beginner. So, if I can refresh my skills to a certain level, then perhaps I can sign up for a conversation class at some point and immerse myself in that learning experience. 

I wonder if they'd let me skip the placement tests if I showed them my undergraduate transcript? Or perhaps I should just find a conversation group that happens on campus, once we are free to leave our homes without fear of adding to the massive spike in COVID cases in our area...like, when there's a vaccine. I have an eye doctor appointment in a few days, but I'll probably cancel it because I can make do with what I've got. I'm just too nervous, and there's way too many people not wearing masks.

time for a therapist

 I keep meaning to contact my university's EAP to talk to a therapist--the past months have had lots of change (even good change, like a baby!), stress, and anxiety. The election sparked a lot of that, to the point that on election night, I was in a really dark place, wondering if I could live another four years with the daily onslaught of awfulness (and I recognize my privilege here--I can't imagine the stress and anxiety that marginalized individuals and communities must be suffering).

So, it's been on my to-do list, and yet...I have not yet made the call. This week, I realized I may no longer have a relationship with one of my siblings (who was really the only one I interacted with regularly), and work stuff is...work stuff. We are being furloughed, and I'm feeling the weight of trying to get all my students through my class while they are also shouldering a lot, not to mention the various challenges of working in a large department with all its messiness and conflicts.

It's a lot.

On the upside, I basically took this morning off because I had to run up to campus after I got the Very Threatening Interlibrary Loan Email (if you know, you know), and I had some other books they wouldn't renew for me, so we excitedly loaded up the car (ha!) and headed to campus. I got my books and dropped them off at the library, then we ran by one of the local coffee shops for to-go treats. Then we spent about 45 minutes playing in the sunshine at the train depot grounds, while the baby napped in the car seat. It was cold, but the sun was shining, and we could see the newly snow-covered mountains. It was glorious.

I also had a good class session with my core group of students who show up to ask questions and talk to me about their projects, which was a good reminder that I love teaching, especially when I'm just giving the students space to explore something interesting and learn what they want.

But, I promise I'll call the EAP tomorrow. I think it's time to make sure I'm taking care of my mental health as best I can right now.

diverse prosperity

 Recently, I was made aware of a flaw in my thinking about moving toward equality and supporting BIPOC people. That flaw was deficit thinking, something that comes so easily when we position BIPOC folks (particularly Black folks) as disadvantaged, poor, and marginalized. I wasn't even aware of how much it was influencing how I talked or interacted with folks until I was made aware of the concept of white saviorism and started seeing how I perpetrated those attitudes.

I'm still learning and working through that as I learn to be antiracist (lifelong work, I now know). But one antidote has been following successful, prosperous BIPOC folks on social media and reading books about and by prosperous, successful BIPOC folks. These aren't stories of individuals who were saved from the inner city through education and a nice white teacher; these are stories of people who are successful and educated and live in nice homes. They don't need anyone rescuing them or framing them in deficit ways or pitying them for their impoverished existence. Instead, they are humans doing human things, and though they may encounter racism and sexism and other biases, they are in the world living full, rich lives. Stories have power, and if I only read the stories that align with stereotypes, then I'm missing out on the full range of powerful stories that convey a diversity of experience and worldview and understanding.

I guess what I'm trying to say is as someone who came from a very impoverished background, I would be frustrated if my life's story was reduced to that, and what I'm trying to do is read a range of stories from all kinds of folks to continue learning and undoing and relearning and using that to inform how I think and engage and teach.

personally responsible

 Yesterday, I got into a fight with a sibling related to the election. In a comment, they remarked that they believed in personal responsibility, which got me thinking about how problematic that concept is. When you are successful and you believe your life to be a success solely due to your own hard work and sacrifice, then you do not like the idea of someone getting something that they didn't "earn." You, in fact, are aggrieved by this. And you think any politician who has plans that will give people things they didn't "earn" is a socialist, so you fundamentally misunderstand several concepts.

But...we don't earn all the things we get, even our own success. In my case, I went from a poor, working-class background to having a PhD and a fairly comfortable life, in part because I don't have student debt (nor does L) and I was able to make enough money to stay out of credit card debt. At first glance, it looks like I earned everything I currently have--but, it was a mixture of hard work, sure, but also fate, circumstances, luck, and not having to work against things to succeed. No one ever told me I didn't belong in academia, which happens to PhD students all the time who have more talent and ability than I do. I had a supportive adviser who made it easy for me to get a job, versus advisers who actively block or prevent talented people from getting published or getting a good job. I didn't have debt from undergrad because I had scholarships and federal financial aid back in an era when Pell Grants were higher and school cost less. L doesn't have any school debt because he earned a lot of academic and state scholarships, and he came from a family who was able to support him in various ways and encourage him to pursue higher education as a given. I had people encouraging me to go on and do good things instead of doubting me or writing me off as just another poor kid from rural Arkansas.

I think about all this, and while I did work hard, I didn't have to overcome biases and circumstances that many others do. And what the new administration wants to do is ease or erase many of those barriers to help all have access to a good life, rather than funneling wealth and power into a small group of people. Corporations accruing more money isn't done from the hard work of the owners and/or CEOs--it's built on the back of their workers, who are often treated badly or compensated poorly. Those same corporations build their power and success using systems in place--and then manage to avoid paying any taxes. The rich get richer while the poor get poorer, and upward mobility is stagnant. Communities suffer to pay for a few to prosper. Making those folks pay what they should have been paying all along and working to uplift those who are working very hard isn't undermining "personal responsibility" or giving someone something for nothing--it's aiming to erase the years of inequality that have blocked people from prospering, from living a good life. And we can't ignore the ways that white supremacy is all over this concept of "personal responsibility" because it seeks to erase the ways that systems, structures, and policies have made it fundamentally more difficult for BIPOC folks to prosper, despite all the hard work, talent, and intelligence in the world.

Anyway, that's what's on my mind. The fight took a particularly nasty turn when I, unthinking, commented about this sibling getting a government check (like me, they are employed by the government), and they took it to mean that they didn't work extremely hard to earn what they have. I don't deny that--I just think it's contradictory to say the government shouldn't work to support people when you are a part of that government structure. Ultimately, I attempted to apologize despite being verbally abused in a way that no person should have to endure from anyone--let alone a sibling--so I'm sitting here, living the schisms that have been exposed by four years of unrelenting attacks and reductionist thinking and white supremacy. 

I'm hopeful for the future of our country, as long as we keep doing the work, but I'm not so sure about the fate of my familial relations.

waiting and waiting

Like all 4 of my readers, we are waiting for the 2020 presidential election to be called. It's looking GREAT for Biden, and I'm over here waiting to crack into my fancy beer and party party party. Even though it's going to be a slog until January, it feels like something huge will be lifted. My screen time tells you how much I've been checking the news apps and calming my anxiety by playing Spelling Bee and solving the crossword.

Little work has been accomplished this week, and that's ok.

However, I have to reckon with the fact that most of my family (at least 2 brothers, both parents, likely several extended family members) voted for the orange menace, who, in addition to failing to take decisive action to mitigate the cornovirus (leaving millions sick and 200,000+ dead) also is a racist, homophobic bigot. I keep seesawing between wanting to burn all those familial bridges in a true scorched-earth fashion to contemplating buying copies of So You Want to Talk about Race and How to Be an Anti-Racist to send in the Christmas boxes (along with lumps of coal). We white folx have got to deal with our shit before we bring down the whole country in a misguided attempt to preserve the white supremacy that harms ALL of us.

In the meantime, I'm making a homemade pumpkin spice latte, eagerly refreshing the New York Times app and Twitter feed, and trying to get a little work done.

Back to it!