what am I reading?

School starts in a little more than a week (ahhhhh!), so I've been taking advantage of the fact that I have a lot done (seriously! my syllabi are almost finished!) to read and read and read. And read some more.

One set of books I've been reading for both fun and a research project are any food memoirs I can get my hands on. Two I read this week are French Kids Eat Anything by Karen Le Billon (not really a food memoir, just tangentially related) and Bon Appetempt by Amelia Morris. Morris keeps a blog of the same name (http://www.bonappetempt.com/) and is more in line with the food memoirs I've been reading--the tale of a person outside of the restaurant biz who just wants to make food, eat it, and share it with us all as readers.

The research project is a discussion for another day, so I'll just share my general impressions with these books.

I picked up Le Billon's book, French Kids Eat Anything not because I have some big secret that I'm not telling anyone (other than how very much wine and coffee I've consumed since I graduated. The answer? A LOT--about TWO PANTS SIZE'S WORTH) but because I'm fascinated by the North American (Canadian and American) tendency to put the French on some sort of food pedestal. Look at the French! They have all their (food) shit together! They can eat raw cheeses and no one thinks they might get listeria (that's for Jessica)! Their bread is amazing! Everyone takes long, leisurely lunches and dinners with wine, and everyone is SO THIN! Also, they have great medical care for new moms AND they get all that vacation! Okay, so it's easy to see why everyone thinks France is so great, but at the same time I'm SKEPTICAL. Because, yeah, we should always be skeptical.

In my skepticism, I picked up this book in which Le Billon promises to share how (to quote the cover) "our family moved to France, cured picky eating, banned snacking, and discovered 10 simple rules for raising happy, healthy eaters." Huh. Well, that's a lofty claim for a book. However, the book is more than a worship of French culture--it's an examination of what they do that works and why it works. And Le Billon is not completely accepting of all aspects of French culture, and is in fact critical of some elements, addressing many of the questions readers themselves might raise.

Le Billon decides to move her family (French husband, two young PICKY daughters) to France for a year from Vancouver to see what it's like. They live in a small village in Breton, and there she learns that there are a lot of cultural differences, namely that her kids are looked at reprovingly by all the French people they interact with because they are picky, they snack, and they don't know how to eat right. Because of these clashes (especially with her French in-laws), she sets out to try to eat more French-like at home, including introducing new foods, overcoming picky habits, and cutting out snacking that is so endemic to North American parenting.

What she realizes is that it's not that the French have magical rules--they have an ingrained culture that makes things like snacking seem bizarre and out of the ordinary that it elicits stunned glances on the streets (or outspoken criticism), and they consider taste-training to be a part of a child's education. Which means that from an early age (like, from the first foods children eat), the French have culturally accepted and passed down methods to introduce a variety of foods and their eating habits. When Le Billon begins implementing these strategies (at first disastrously, then more slowly with good results), she realizes that good eating must be modeled and taught as much as anything else. And, most of all, it should be pleasurable.

I enjoyed this book a lot because Le Billon recognizes that environment is as big a factor in this process as individual effort; in fact, she soon realizes that maintaining this culture is nearly impossible when she returns to Vancouver, though she finds a middle-road that continues to encourage her kids to eat vegetables and enjoy their food. In the prologue, she notes:

In France, schools, governments, and communities, have worked together to create food and education systems that support parents in feeding their children well. In North America, it seems as if the opposite is true. So we urgently need to have a collective conversation about how to reinvent kids' food culture--in homes and schools, on farms and in stores via market and governmental reform. My hope is that this story (which is not about haute cuisine, but rather about how ordinary French families re empowered to feed their children well) will inspire you to join in that conversation.

In the end, she of course does provide guidelines (she's assuming the reader is looking for ways to cure their own children of their dependency on white bread and Goldfish crackers), but they are more of aspects of a philosophy rather than rigid rules. And I think that's where the value of this book lies for me: it's not a cure-all, but rather opens the door to a conversation to better ways of eating and enjoying our lives (Rule 10: "Remember: eating is joyful--RELAX!") through food, for both ourselves as adults and for our kids.

And now I've taken up too much of my space to talk about Amelia Morris's lovely memoir, Bon Appetempt. So I'll talk about it and some of the other memoirs I'm reading later.

Boise Bicycling (plus other things)

This week, it got hot. I know, I know, don't complain--you could be sweating through a muggy, buggy Southern summer for the umpteenth year in a row. However, the heat paired with our air conditioner going out is not too awesome.

However, in the end, it's still not that bad, and we've been really enjoying our first month here. In fact, as of yesterday, it was a month. We have now been residents of Idaho for one whole month. We have a cute house not a ten-minute-bike-ride away from work (which I know Mr. Money Mustache would certainly approve of!.

In fact, I've been biking up to campus everyday to get into a good routine before the semester begins. My office is mostly set up now, with just a few things left to be done, But the bike ride is such a nice part of my morning; I'm able to ride down the hill, catch the trail, and bike along the river right to my building. No fuss. No wrangling parking. Better yet--and in true MMM form--no paying for parking. And if I can't bike because of the odd day of nasty weather, I can walk in about 25 minutes. Not bad at all!

The Greenbelt (the bike path through town) is just one segment of the extensive bike system throughout Boise. Many of the streets (at least downtown area) have bike lanes, which is fantastic. In fact, now that we're done moving in, I'm going to make it a goal to bike as much as I physically can to places to save on money, get a bit more movement out of what will likely be a sedentary (for the most part) day at work, and to preserve our little car for longer. I'm pretty excited that we live in a place where we can do that.

However, the one thing I have noticed is that despite all of this biking infrastructure, Boise bicyclists are--how do I put it delicately?--they be cray, y'all. I'm firmly in the minority of helmet users* here (as is L). They don't observe traffic signals. They ride on sidewalks even when there's a perfectly good bike line on the road. If they use the bike lane, they ride the wrong direction on it, even if it's marked as one way or the other. It's baffling to me--it's like, did you even learn a little about appropriate bike behavior and bike safety?

Now, there are a few roads that I have conceded that I just can't be on the main road and thus must use the sidewalk. Otherwise, however, I choose routes that are non-sidewalk based. And if there's a bike lane, you know I'm in it and on the right side. And I ride with traffic in the street where it's safe and I won't impede traffic.

I think a huge part of it is that people are simply uneducated about bike safety and bike behavior or the rules aren't really enforced by other cyclists or the community at large. And by riding on the sidewalks, they think they are being safer when in reality they're causing a huge conflict between cyclists and pedestrians, which actually leads to more accidents. I understand about being scared of riding on the street--it can be a little nerve-wracking to share the road with motorists--but the motorists also need to get used to seeing bicycles not as annoyances but as rightful road users as well. Plus, maybe it'll encourage more bike lanes.

Overall, however, the biking culture here is friendly, lots of people use the Greenbelt, and bike racks abound. I love living in a town that is so bike-friendly, and a place that is flat enough to bike easily. We will own this place on bikes by the time some of you come visit us!


*HELMET RANT TIME: why people don't wear helmets is generally unfathomable to me. The excuses I hear are "oh I just don't like them" and "It messes up my hair." What if people said that about seatbelts? "Oh, I just don't like putting that strap across my chest" or "they wrinkle my clothes"--most people would think you were insane. And then you'd get a ticket for not wearing a seatbelt. Basically, helmets are one of the few forms of protection a bicyclist has, and the chances of getting hit on the head or incurring major neurological/physical trauma are increased without proper use. So to people who don't wear helmets, I say--I prefer to keep my brain in my brain-box, thank you. Wear a damn helmet and get over yourself.

summertime madness

August is officially here. Normally, I'm sweating a lot, heaped up on the floor of my barely air-conditioned duplex, but in July, I moved to Boise, Idaho, where the humidity is low, though the grass isn't nearly so green. It's been a crazy summer, concluding the craziness of the last few months, which included so many changes that my head is spinning a little. First, I got a job. Then I wrote a dissertation. Then I defended said dissertation, thus earning myself the title "Dr." and the letters "Ph.D." after my name.

All of these changes and more will be detailed more on a new blog I'm intending to start that will be associated with my professional work. But since this was a blog I began to talk about my food, my running, and my random reading, I'm returning to discussing just that. In other words, this will be my personal blog dedicated not to the esoteric or arcane bits of my scholarship, but more to the general day-to-day runnings of my life.

Right now, a major concern has been with all of the changes and celebrations and transitions, I've fallen out of my eating and running routine. Namely, I've put on about 20 lbs since the start of the year, and that bugs me a lot, partially because my pants are no longer fitting, and most of my work clothes will be too small in three weeks when school starts.

To rectify this situation, I've decided to refocus on my exercise and eating and discuss it here, along with some of the fun things I've discovered about my new home. I've found like a zillion yoga studios (with lots of "new customer" specials!), so I'm going to go through them until I find one I like best (for the best price). Additionally, I intend to return to my barre3 practice, a practice that kept me pretty sane and fit through the last few years of graduate school.

Finally, running! I've found a fantastic running group in Boise, and I have run with them a few times. I hope to continue running with them (as well as running on my own) and training for a few races in the meantime. Changes are tough, but this current transition has been delightful so far, and I really want to work to get back into my formerly healthy habits that don't involve drinking my way through June (I blame that for about 10 lbs) and eating really tasty, healthy foods.

facebook-free

I get up in the morning and usually, instead of getting ready for the day, exercising, or spending time with my spouse, I jump on the computer to check my email...and to look at anything "important" on facebook. 45 minutes later, I realize I've wasted time that could be spent doing any number of other things, but I shrug it off with a twinge of regret. After all, I'm keeping up with friends! I'm reading good articles! Throughout the day when I need a "break," the same thing would occur with the same excuses.

Then, late-September, I grew tired of it all. Sure, I was keeping up with friends and seeing interesting pictures and learning who was now engaged/pregnant/had a baby/other major life changes, but I also was bogged down with a lot of vapid posts and enraging articles (or pointless ones). Was this really worth the amount of time I was spending on it each day? I had already taken the app off my phone (which was an excellent choice), and I was curious to see what ditching FB entirely would be like.

So I stepped away. I promised myself that October would be a month where I didn't check Facebook. I checked it once in the middle of the month and once because a friend had listed something she wanted me to look at, but otherwise I stayed off of the site.

The first week was hard. My impulse was to check FB at every opportunity where there was a lull, where I was bored, or where I just would normally go look at it. Then, by the end of the second week, I stopped thinking about it, my impulse to check it went away, and I actually forgot about it (except for informing people that I wasn't really on FB lately, so to contact me directly.

It turns out to have been...freeing. I have been more focused on everything else, and I have not been sucked into drama. I have missed things friends have posted (and birthday reminders), but hopefully people won't mind too much. I think after October, I'm going to continue to mostly stay away, maybe only logging in once a week at most.

All this, of course, is not a judgment on anyone else's use of FB. Given my proclivity to be constantly on it and not doing other things, refraining from using it regularly has been a good decision, and one that I'm glad I tried. So if you want to go have coffee with me or chat, give me a call or send me a message!

women + cooking

If you know me, you know I love food. I love eating it, and I love cooking it. And if you know my spouse, you know cooking is something we love to do together, and something that we tend to share pretty equally in terms of household chores.

Yet, I know that other women aren't as lucky as I am to be married to someone who can pick up the slack when a meal is needed, and there can be a lot of guilt associated with the decisions made to feed one's family quickly, efficiently, and cheaply. And Virginia Heffernan's article "What If You Just Hate Making Dinner?" spells out that anxiety clearly as she relates her frustration with the new slate of cookbooks aimed at telling mothers to cook lest DISASTER befall their precious children.

I find this article fascinating, though I don't fully agree with it, because I am interested in the ways modern women are coping with changing domestic roles and home cooking. The world is changing, women are less frequently at home, yet the standards in place have yet to fully reflect the new social reality.  Heffernan notes the hyperbolic language these cookbook authors use to pressure their (female) readers to get back into the kitchen and make their families an organic, whole-wheat, homemade sandwich:

“I don’t think there is ONE THING MORE IMPORTANT you can do FOR YOUR KIDS THAN HAVE FAMILY DINNER,” is how Ruth Reichl, of Gourmet, is quoted (italics and caps not mine) in “The Family Dinner,” by Laurie David, with recipes by Kirstin Uhrenholdt. Pomposity of this kind abounds in Laurie David books, and ultimately the books’ apotheosizing of home cooking is more memorable in its aggression than the somewhat meeker recipes (Easy Cheesy Dinner Frittata, Turkey Meat Loaf, Your Favorite Grilled Cheese). No one thing more important for children than family dinner? I might have put “send them to school” or “hug them occasionally” at the top of that list.

Heffernan's irritation at this kind of mother-guilt is warranted. At first, I was prepared to be frustrated with this article, but I realized that some people truly do not derive pleasure from cooking as I do. Heck, there are days when I'm grateful for a quick bite grabbed as I dash out the door, a bite not carefully crafting but thrown together from what is easy and convenient and meets my basic nutritional requirements. But since I have no children, no one is squinting at me for refusing to sacrifice time I don't have to make a homemade meal every night. Sometimes, you have to do what you have to do.

In the end, Heffernan exposes yet another way women are associated with domestic cooking as well as the censure they face if they reject the all-organic and homemade trends. After all, these books are targeted to women, and no clear efforts are directed to the other members of the household (men) who could contribute to the efforts to healthfully feed a family (be that family with or without children). No one faults a man for not knowing how to cook, but women face judgment and scrutiny if they admit to not knowing how to make a simple meal or confess a lack of interest in domestic concerns.

And I realize, once again, how lucky I am to have a partner who shares the cooking with me, and with whom cooking is a joy, not a burden.

the deep end

I've dived (dove?) into the deep end of academia, and I'm finding myself not sinking, though sometimes just barely treading water. This semester, in all its delights brings article submissions, a co-authored publication, research, and, finally, the job market. Job hunting is thrilling and exciting, and I feel poised to begin my career, for real.

I also find myself in the unenviable position of having to explain to people how the academic job market works. The well-meaning questions like where do you want to go? where will you end up? why not apply to X place? are not that frustrating, but reveal how weird and strange and often esoteric the life I've chosen is to the outside eye. It's not that I wouldn't love to choose a place and apply for it, but with my jobs list growing ever longer, I invest enough energy to get excited enough about each position to convey that I really do want to work at X University. Then, when the application has been emailed, Interfolio-ed, or otherwise submitted, I forget they exist.

You see, if I stayed too excited about any one job and then never heard back, it would be crushing. So by divesting the interest and excitement I generated to apply, I (hopefully) will only experience mild disappointment if I never hear back or they send me the thanks-but-no-thanks message. I'll save my excitement and longing for when I get bumped into the later phases of interviewing and campus visits.

Anyway, so my friends are currently delighted whenever I pop up (which hasn't been very often), and I catch a bit of space to breathe, but I have actually been enjoying feeling purposeful every day. Every day I submit more applications and do more scholarly work, and it feels awesome (though still daunting), and I feel more secure in knowing that this is what I want to do, gluten-free bakery dreams aside.

With all this energy comes an edge of sadness. I was in Megan's barre3 class the other day, and it struck me: there really is so much I'll be leaving behind, be it the easy camaraderie with my best friends, friends who have been with me for so long now, to my inspiring running group, to my barre3 buddies. It made me tear up a tiny bit as I tried to focus on my core, but this too is a feeling I have to compartmentalize for now. There will be joy and sadness in my future, but that's something for future-Jenn to worry about. Meanwhile, I'll savor the moments I'm able to have with these amazing members of my community when I get the chance.

And now, back to it...

one challenge ends a new one begins

I ended the barre3 spring challenge in a bit more lamely than I'd hoped--I slipped out of my good nutrition habits, which definitely impaired the initial gains I'd made. HOWEVER, the challenge was, ultimately a success. I gave up coffee--and learned that it was inhibiting my sleep. I gained strength (and worked out a lot). And, best of all, I learned more about how I ought to approach things and gained some new friends in studio and online.  It was fantastic.

In fact, I'm now working for the local studio, so I'm there more than ever, and I'm loving it. It's wonderful to be able to take on a new role in an organization that I'm such a huge fan of, supporting friends.

But really, while this post begins with a nod toward the physical/health challenge I took on this past month, I want to talk about a larger, more pressing challenge: dissertation (and publication).

I have begun writing my dissertation, continuing to gather data. (I began transcribing today, and though I know it'll get easier, it was TORTURE. But then again, as I'm transcribing, I'm thinking about the data with fresh eyes, so that's kind of cool). Today I transcribed. Yesterday I wrote several pages and outlined several chapters, getting some good feedback from my adviser.  Tomorrow will be more writing and transcribing, meeting up with a fellow dissertator (we are egging each other on this summer to WRITE).

I also joined up with an online group, and have pledged to submit some job materials (the other major summer writing challenge) by the middle of the month. Much work to be done, indeed!

Despite the large amount of challenges on my plate, I am finding a rhythm of work and writing and play, a balance between writing and working to earn money, between working (generally) and taking care of myself physically, mentally, and emotionally. It turns out that when I'm making progress on my work, I'm not berating myself for lazing around my house all day.

I'm hoping to break the cycle of summer lazies, where summer flows by in one undifferentiated mass, a summer that before I know it is gone, and I'm faced with the inevitable pressures the fall will bring. This year, a new one will loom large: the job search. It is my hope to tackle it with my best energy and to emerge triumphant, job in hand by graduation in May, not to mention a dissertation defended and articles submitted and published. These are my goals, and they are steps toward the scholarly life that I'm finally learning how to fully embrace.

spring challenge

As readers of this blog know, I'm always a sucker for a challenge. I like the idea of setting forth to accomplish something--probably why I love running so much!--and seeing where it takes me, even if I fail to fully meet my goals. So when barre3 announced their spring challenge, I was interested. But I wasn't immediately on board.

You see, I am fond of challenges where I strive to eat a bit better and work out a bit more, but I'm reluctant to commit to giving up my coffee and my wine. And since this one requires the purchase of the kit, my internal penny pincher was at war with my eagerness to dive in. I waffled for a bit and actually decided not to--until several folks on Instagram and in studio started talking about it. Then I got excited.

Mostly.

I am committing to giving up coffee and alcohol (mostly because I'm curious on how it'll affect my sleep and energy, and thereby productivity), which doesn't excite me especially since the challenge ends AFTER a wedding and a fun cabin weekend. But I know I don't need to drink to have fun with people, and I've been getting vicious hangovers after small amounts of alcohol.  The coffee...well, we'll see how I do without the coffee. This week, I'm trying to cut down to a 1/2 cup and then drink tea, and this weekend, I'm going without it completely and switching to black or green tea. So I'll still have some caffeine...but no coffee.

Anyway, so starting May 5th, I'll be challenging. And if you see me saying no to coffee and wine, don't ask me if I'm pregnant (I'm not), just nod and smile and think that maybe I'm a bit out of my mind for beginning the post-spring semester period without drinking. And maybe I am--but, as I'll discuss later, my goals for this challenge are a little different from the typical reasons one might tackle a challenge like this, and I hope the focus needed to maintain this challenge will carry over into focus in other places, like dissertation writing and sleeping well.

the friend-bully

When I was 15 or 16, I received a phone call. When my mom handed me the phone, I assumed it'd be a friend wanting to make plans; what happened next would leave me without a voice. On the other end was J, a classmate and so-called friend, and she had called on behest of my supposed best friend R (or so J claimed) to basically tell me everything wrong with me.  The subtext, of course, is that with so many egregious faults, who would want to be my friend?

Had I been older, I would have interrupted when the onslaught began and hung up on the bitch. Instead, I sat in passive silence, tears running down my face, listening, accepting the litany of my faults. Part of me wanted to hear all the things I feared were true; part of me just couldn't stop listening despite the pain. Here was a person I thought was my best friend in the entire world, a girl whom I'd shared all my secrets, and whom I loved, speaking through this horrible person.  When I finally did hang up--or did my mother see my tears and tell me to hang up? I can't remember--my mom was furious and I was heartbroken.  After that day, R was no longer my best friend, and I was left bereft.

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I'd forgotten about that painful occurrence until recently, when R posted something about the bullying she'd endured in high school. While I knew she had been mocked and bullied--in fact, I was one of the few people who stood by her and tried to defend her as best I could in  my shy, quiet way as she spun what I would come to realize were likely elaborate fictions--all that kept running through my head was well, yes...but weren't you also a bully to me? The cruelty of adolescence is that nearly everyone has someone weaker than themselves to bully, and it turned out that even a supposed-best-friend can become a bully when her friend is socially awkward, shy, and sheltered. I was, in other words, a fairly easy target for such cruelty, especially with the encouragement of someone who cared nothing for me.

I'd later learn that this same best-friend had revealed my secrets. Thanks to the honesty of my brother, I discovered that she had divulged all kinds of private information: boys I liked, the fact that she wanted me to try out for cheerleading in order to make fun of me, and who knows what else. For the painfully shy girl I was then, this was untenable, though I was lucky to discover it after our best-friendship had crumbled into a friendly school companionship after I wordlessly forgave The Incident. By then I had her full measure and knew better than to trust her beyond silly confidences.

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Here I am, however, 15 years later, and I am actually glad that I realized that bullies in best-friend disguise are exactly the wrong kind of friends to have. Since then, I had a few friend-bullies that I learned to stand up to or pushed out of my life (or at least toward the periphery), and now my best friends are close as sisters (or brothers!). They'd no sooner bully me or hurt me than they would their own family, and I trust them completely. They might poke fun at me, but then know when to stop before it ventures into cruelty. It was through betrayal and pain that I came to learn what true friendship should and could be, and formed a close-knit group of friends instead of isolating myself as I could have so easily done.  It helped to go to college, where I was in constant contact with individuals who had similar interests to me, and it also helped that I grew up and grew out of my shyness and gained confidence and independence.

So in a weird way, thanks R for teaching me the nature of true friendship. While I'm sad to hear about how the echoes of that high school pain have reverberated through to your present, I hope you can also see that bullying comes in all shapes and sizes--but that it can also be fuel for growth and positive change.

balance over perfection

Day 3 dawns, and I crawl out of my bed, my head still full of congestion and pain even after 9+ hours of sleep. I'm supposed to be all gung-ho and happy about this challenge, yet I can barely muster up enough energy to clean my house, let alone cook good food. I managed to inspire L to make half of a recipe last night--the delicious sounding Roasted Sweet Potato and Brussels Sprouts Bowl--but we got as far as roasting the veggies and cooking the quinoa before giving up and eating leftovers.  (Lunch for today, though!!)

And of course, when I'm sick, I tend to either 1) not eat or 2) eat anything comforting for the sheer fact that it makes me feel marginally better for a few minutes.

Not that any of this is an excuse--however, in some ways, it has liberated me from doing this challenge "perfectly," which is a reason some people might not join in despite wanting to. I am too often a victim of my own desire for perfection, an unattainable state, and by beginning the challenge all sick and low-energy gives me a shot to carry through the whole four weeks by seeking balance instead.

Despite feeling poorly, I did make it to studio classes both Monday and Tuesday, which made me feel a bit better, and I'm planning to go tonight or do a workout at home, depending. (Don't worry--I'm not contagious, and I've been careful to wash my  hands and not get too close to people or their adorable small children.)

Yesterday, I even made a couple of recipes to use up old bananas, one a variation on these delicious muffin-tops (I swapped out the dates for tahini to reduce the sweetness and amp up the healthy fats/protein. I really should track things better when I make them so that I can actually give you all a recipe) and another this grain-free banana bread, which L heartily approved of.  I have figured out that I have to keep my snacks not-to-sweet, or I keep reaching for them (thus, no chocolate in my muffin tops), and L likes having a little treat to tide him over in that time between work and dinner.

That was the extent of my energy yesterday--after baking a bit in the afternoon and attempting to work, I succumbed to the desire to nap and lay on the couch while watching TV (PS: who knew Powerpuff Girls was so awesome???). But as Megan often stresses to us in class, we have to take good care of ourselves and give our body what it needs, and mine needed (and probably still needs) rest.  So despite feeling in some ways like I'm not doing the best job with the start of this challenge from the get-go, I hope that I'm demonstrating through example that the point of the challenge is not to be perfect, but to strive to do our best and to love ourselves and care for ourselves.

And now, to continue slowly getting well again.

28 to great challenge

Around the holidays, Jamie turned to me at the studio and mentioned that she'd like to do something like the fall challenge again.  I agreed--the fall challenge was a blast, and I personally saw big results.  Fast forward until after the holidays, and I found myself wanting to recenter myself with regards to nutrition and challenge myself to balance my academic life, working out, eating well, and socializing, and I figured that taking on the barre3 28 to Great challenge was a good way to do so.

This semester, I'm officially working on my dissertation. The last time I had to write a massively long writing project (my MA thesis), I let myself fall out of the habit of working out and eating well--in fact, I wrote the thing on large bags of peanut butter M&Ms. I finished, but also gained several pounds in the process.

Knowing my own tendency to shut down when I'm overwhelmed or turn to sweets and food when stressed, I wanted to forge new habits. It doesn't hurt that I'm totally obsessed with barre3 right now: the Fayetteville studio is INCREDIBLE, and the instructors are awesome.  The goal of the 28 to Great Challenge is not to restrict yourself or radically alter behaviors, but instead to find that balance among exercise, nutrition, and connection.  For me, I also want to find that balance between taking care of my body and doing what I need to do to succeed academically and professionally.

The barre3 formula: exercise, nourish, connect

Anyway, so starting Monday, Jamie and I are leading the challenge, and I hope lots of people will join us. It's great to work together, share triumphs and struggles with each other, and encourage one another to strive toward health and balance.  Let's do this!

running solitary

As the wind pushed roughly against my body, I leaned forward slightly to continue propelling myself toward the end of the dam across Lake Fayetteville. The glow of the sun was to one side, and tendrils of rose streaked across the sky and reflected in the lake on the other side of me. It was, despite the strong headwind, exhilarating and lovely, and I was simultaneously alone (without even an iPod to accompany me) and together with the other people enjoying this spring-like day.

Lately, I have found myself running alone more and more, electing to run my long runs alone as I train for marathon #3 (Little Rock, March 2014). While not always by choice, I have consciously sought out running alone.  I would not have been able to train for and run either of my two marathons without my running group, and at times I miss them (and will be rejoining the Wednesday morning run this week!); however, I'm also learning to enjoy the mediation and introspection--or the void--the solitary run can provide.

Today, I ran without any sort of distraction, and the miles flew beneath my feet. During this run I thought of nothing, of everything. I wrote the beginning of this post in my head; I soaked up the sunshine; I experienced the feeling of my body moving itself forward, the muscles I'm learning to understand better (through barre3 and yoga) working hard to support and sustain me; I observed the world alive around me as I traversed the Lake Fayetteville trail. I never grew bored, and I was sorry to see the end.

Part of my joy in motion was the delight of being able to move again after being too sick to leave my house for two days (and feeling under the weather for much of the week). Although I'm only at about 85% currently, I feel like a whole new woman, especially after my epic and traumatic hangover of last Sunday and the death cold that felled me on Wednesday and Thursday and part of Friday.

But more of it was that I'm learning to delight in just running. I barely glanced at my GPS watch and just allowed myself to enjoy the beautiful day, the wind, the fact that I could run in shorts and a light layer. On days when I don't feel like running (which was actually some today--I was due to run a long run but decided to push it until tomorrow), it is good to remember that when I do run, I am able to fully be in myself, relaxed and present. And even though running with others is intensely fun and helps the time pass for those 20-milers, I in some way lose the ability to meditate and enjoy just being a body moving through space. What I'm looking for now is a balance between getting to run with the energy of other runners carrying me and also being able to call forth my own quiet joy to delight in the solitary experience.

wintry wednesday

I really, really hate having a cold. But the mental/emotional fog of yesterday has lifted, and although my stuffy/runny nose and light cough remind me that I'm not 100% healthy, my boosted mood is almost enough to overcome it. I fully intend to feel better tomorrow, after another good night of sleep.

*****
I finished Haruki Murakami's What I Talk About When I Talk about Running, and it is a book that rambled delightfully on, yet held together as a cohesive whole, like an essayist's memoir, or a memoir inspired by essays. Either way, if you want a well-written book about life and writing and running, this is the book for you--so often, books about running are fairly interesting, but not the most stylistically advanced. This book, while not one that will teach you things about running, is wonderfully thoughtful and polished that I can't not love it.

I wasn't able to run today because I didn't figure mixing running in the rain with fighting a cold was a very good idea, but finishing this book made me twitchy to get my feet back on the pavement tomorrow.

I will give you a few more tidbits that I had to mark as I read because they were so striking, and they so perfectly capture some of my own thoughts about running.

This quotation captures my attitude about running--I do it because I really, really like it, and I think other people should run only if they also really like it. Otherwise, find something else that you enjoy, like walking or swimming or biking or zumba or barre3 or ...

When I tell people I run every day, some are quite impressed. "You really must have a strong will," they sometimes tell me. Of course it's nice to be praised like this. A lot better than being disparaged, that's for sure. But I don't think it's merely willpower that makes you able to do something. The world isn't that simple. To tell the truth, I don't even think there's much correlation between my running every day and whether or not I have a strong will. I think I've been able to run for more than twenty years for a simple reason: It suits me. Or at least because I don't find it all that painful. Human beings naturally continue doing things they like, and they don't continue what they don't like. Admittedly, something close to will does play a small part in that. But no matter how strong a will a person has, no matter how much he may hate to lose, if it's an activity he doesn't really care for, he won't keep it up for long. Even if he did, it wouldn't be good for him. (43-44)

This I just liked because he sneers at the running naysayers (I'd add to the list the people who say anything about how I'm killing my knees or any other bit of me). Also, it offers a reason why runners run that's beyond exercise and health and goes much deeper than simply staying in good shape:

People sometimes sneer at those who run every day, claiming they'll go to any length to live longer. But I don't think that's the reason most people run. Most runners run not because they want to live longer, but because they want to live life to the fullest. If you're going to while away the years, it's far better to live them with clear goals and fully alive than in a fog, and I believe running helps you do that. Exerting yourself to the fullest within your individual limits; that's the essence of running, and a metaphor for life--and for me, for writing as well. I believe many runners would agree. (82-83)

I like to run marathons not just because they are challenging, but on some level because I get enjoyment out of them:

Liz, who looks after my books at knopf, sends me an email. She's also going to run the New York City Marathon, in what will be first full marathon. "Have a good time!" I email back. And that's right: for a marathon to mean anything, it should be fun. Otherwise, why would thousands of people run 26.2 miles? (134)

And, finally, a good thing to keep in mind when my body starts slowing down, and I stop being able to run as fast and set awesome PRs:

There's one thing, though, I can state with confidence: until the feeling that I've done a good job in a race returns, I'm going to keep running marathons, and not let it get me down. Even when I grow old and feeble, when people warn me it's about time to throw in the towel, I won't care. As long as my body allows, I'll keep on running. Even if my time gets worse, I'll keep on putting in as much effort--perhaps even more effort--toward my goal of finishing a marathon. I don't care what others say--that's just my nature, the way I am. Like scorpions sting, cicadas cling to trees, salmon swim upstream to where they were born, and wild ducks mate for life. (149)

What an enjoyable book. Any of you all have any other running book suggestions for me?

toxins

I woke up this morning with the warning tickle in my throat that is the harbinger of a cold. As I don't often get colds, I always face this situation with annoyance and with the determination that I will defeat whatever toxin is invading my system with healthy foods, water, and more tea than a British monarch.

I've also recently been making my way through Haruki Murakami's engaging and intelligent memoir What I Talk About When I Talk About Running, where he draws interesting parallels between running and writing.  One discussion that particularly struck me was his belief that writing novels can be a form of a toxin and running is a way to counteract that. Running--embodying physical health--can actually be away to clear mental and emotional toxins as well.  I often feel that running physically purifies me, cleanses me of toxins and brings me energy, but I never connected it also to a concept of mental and emotional toxin.

However, after a recent bout of drunken revelry, during which I acted in ways that I was less than proud of as I spent the next day on the couch struggling to keep any food or water down, I have begun considering other kinds of toxins--those mental and emotional toxins--that I willingly or unknowingly introduce into my body, my mind, and my relationships.

Now, I don't think alcohol is always a toxin (well, at least in small amounts), but as I strive for a life that is healthful and more vibrant, I see now that "detoxing" might need to be more than cutting out sugar and booze for a few days following holiday indulgences. It might mean also freeing myself of behaviors and attitudes that can become toxins for my emotional and mental health, as well as the health of my closest and most vital relationships.

It was in the midst of the last moments of an increasingly hazy night that I realized that my own actions had become a toxin to both myself and to my connection with others.  It may have been coincidental that I immediately wanted to throw up when that realization penetrated my alcohol-addled brain, but I have to wonder.  Since that point, I've been contemplating and considering the other forms that toxins can take and how I might counteract them.  Sure, eating vegetables and drinking lots of water and exercising functions effectively to remove physical toxins from my body, but how can I strive to remove that which might poison in other ways?

Not that I have answers, but a shift in understanding the ways I can be the best human I am capable of seems to be taking place, as well as understanding that my actions not only introduce a toxin to myself, but can also harm the people I love best.  And like a strong body is able to fight off an invasion or a mild toxin, a strong relationship can surely withstand small doses; yet, I do not want to put myself in the position to see where the breaking point is, where the toxins overwhelm the healthy body and cause it to be destroyed.

habits

When I went to the dentist last summer after a three year hiatus, I was terrified that he would find cavities or something terrible. While there were no cavities (yay!), I did get a stern lecture about the necessity of flossing. It turns out that a lot of the mild gum pain I was experiencing was due to not flossing.  So I set out to begin to cultivate a habit of flossing by leaving myself an obnoxious note on my mirror and forcing myself to floss everyday--and actually have managed to become a regular flosser.  It is just part of my routine now, since I'd never go do bed before without brushing me teeth. Now I make sure to both floss and brush before bed, and I have zero gum pain.

I tell this story because I've been thinking of how I can apply this sort of habit-formation in other parts of my life. It was a small action, and it was kind of annoying at first, but I realized that if I set out to alter my behavior in a manageable way, I can do it.

I think the next habit I want to tackle is doing something right away instead of putting it off indefinitely. If it needs to be done, instead of getting all annoyed about how much I don't want to do it, I've been trying to mentally reroute that emotional response and just do the task, focusing instead on the happy feelings of accomplishment afterwards. For instance, I'm terrible about putting off reading and commenting on my students' work because 1) I get busy and want to be able to dedicate time to it, but sometimes 2) it stresses me out. So instead of focusing on the stress and the frustration that I might normally associate with the task, I want to reframe it to focus on the satisfaction of efficiently returning student work and the delight that also comes from reading their work.

Another thing I need to work on not putting off is morning exercise. While I meant to run this morning, I slept so poorly because of CATS and SNORING that I just couldn't get up to run with my running group. What I could have done, however, was gotten up a little bit later and done a slightly shorter run and still have gotten it in, yet I stayed in bed (it was cold!) and then got up to dink around on the Internet (emails! pinterest!). But, if my habit were to just get up and go, then I'd have gotten the run in already and would likely feel much more alert and ready to tackle the work I need to accomplish today.

Successfully forming one small habit, however, has taught me that habits can be created when the goal is specific, and the path is cleared to make creating that habit easier. I need to break these goals down into small, manageable steps until it becomes habitual for me to roll out of bed right away, put on my shoes, and get out the door with little fuss; or, alternately, tackle tasks immediately instead of putting them off and dreading them.

thinking+running

What do I think about when I run? I will let these words from Haruki Murakami's fascinating running memoir What I Talk about When I Talk about Running tell you:

I'm often asked what I think about as I run. Usually the people who ask this have never run long distances themselves. I always ponder the question. What exactly do I think about when I'm running? I don't have a clue.

On cold days I guess I think a little about how cold it is. And about the heat on hot days. When I'm sad I think a little about sadness. When I'm happy I think a little about happiness. As I mentioned before, random memories come to me too. And occasionally, hardly ever, really, I get an idea to use in a novel. But really as I run, I don't think much of anything worth mentioning.

 I just run. I run in a void. Or maybe I should put it the other way: I run in order to acquire a void. But as you might expect, an occasional thought will slip into this void. People's minds can't be a complete blank. Human beings' emotions are not strong or consistent enough to sustain a vacuum. What I mean is, the kinds of thoughts and ideas that invade my emotions as I run remain subordinate to that void. Lacking content, they are just random thoughts that gather around that central void.

The thoughts that occur to me while I'm running are like clouds in the sky. Clouds of all different sizes. They come and they go, while the sky remains the same sky as always. The clouds are mere guests in the sky that pass away and vanish, leaving behind the sky. The sky both exists and doesn't exist. It has substance and at the same time doesn't. And we merely accept that vast expanse and drink it in (16-17).

Murakami, Haruki. What I Talk about When I Talk about Running. New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 2008. Print.

hello, 2014

This is the day of resolutions. But I want to remind you all that while it's fun to aspire to better things and work toward changes that improve our lives, we also should embrace who we are, where we are, and what we are. I've been working on this a lot this past year (and will continue to do so), and while I don't think self-improvement or resolutions or goals are anything to be sneered at, I also want to remember to celebrate what I already have in my life: good health, wonderful friends, and a promising career.

Of course, however, I do have some "resolutions," though Lance and I already have been working on them. I picked up this idea of a New Year's "theme" from a HuffPo article, but I've been abandoning the idea of specific resolutions for the past few years anyway, namely the ubiquitous health-related ones. Our current goal (and one we both agreed would be ideal) would be to stop procrastinating and spending mindless time watching TV or zoning out on the computer (ahem, Facebook and Pinterest for me).  Our strides in this direction have already been awesome, and we look forward to continuing them into the new year.

Personally, (and a related theme) is a goal of mindfulness. This means anything from actually texting/talking to humans instead of posting to Facebook and spending empty hours just looking at websites and watching dumb TV shows to being conscious of other choices I make daily that affect my  health and wellbeing. I like this idea because I've noticed how much time I spend on the internet doing nothing really when I could be using that time to be more productive both personally and professionally, from pursing my hobbies to writing articles to reading books for pleasure and for learning.

For some specific goals, I would like to spend some time daily reading and writing. The reading can be any nature (but should be more professional), and the writing can be this blog as well as professional writing (or an overlap of the two). Now that I am officially ABD, I need to begin cultivating better professional habits that will both help me produce a dissertation in a reasonable amount of time and work toward getting publications so that I have success on the job market. And working on my own writing craft, both personally and professionally, will help be to be a better writing instructor, not to mention keeping up with current scholarship.

Otherwise, I'm planning to continue toward overall simplification of my life and my belongings and continuing to work to improve my fitness with running and barre3. I started off today with a 10k run with my brother and his buddy, and I got to go to a delightful barre3 class this evening, kicking 2014 off to a great start. And with a bit of writing here, I can check off another of my goals!

Happy 2014, everyone. I hope 2013 was amazing, and here's to what's to come in the next year as well.

repair+simplify

I've been in the process, the past few months, of simplifying my life. Or at least as much as possible. When you live in a small house and own lots of belongings, they have a way of beginning to wear on you. After all, there's not a lot of space to store (i.e. hide) items, so it ends up in piles here and there, which ends up driving me a little crazy.

I took advantage of the snow days to go through my yarn stash, sorting and reminding myself of what I have. I've actually avoided buying yarn (or fabric!) for the past year, attempting to make things from what I already own in an attempt to pare down some of my craft collection (don't get me started on my paper/bookmaking stuff...I really, really need to love fewer hobbies).  While I didn't get rid of anything, I did reduce the space it took up and felt motivated to finish up a few oddball projects lurking around.

Then, as kitten has developed a taste for technical fabrics (she has chewed on running short strings, sports bra straps, and ruined a pair of my running socks), I rearranged some of my clothes to put all of my workout gear in a closed box. In this process, I decided to weed out items I don't wear or no longer fit (this game, while fun, is growing a tiny bit old--several pairs of capris were deemed too large to wear because I can pull them off without unbuttoning them, which is my general rule for getting rid of something), adding to the already large pile of clothes I'm giving away either to friends who need them or charity.

You see, I have a thing for buying clothes: I love clothes, and when I feel good about my body, I love putting clothes on it.  Lately, however, I've been trying to think in terms of simplifying my wardrobe, investing only in quality pieces and not in the cheap crap that falls apart after a season of wear. It's hard because TRENDS, but I think it's somewhat forcing me to reconsider how I view my wardrobe.  I want to own clothes that I love, that make me feel good, and that also are well-made and will wear well for a long time.

Which leads me to my other point: repair. Since I have sewing skillzzzz, I already am in the habit of repairing clothes.  However, shoes are another matter. There's a cobbler about a 15 minute walk from my house, so in one of my cleaning/purging moods a few weeks back, I rounded up several pairs of shoes I love (but needed repaired) and took them to him.  For the low price of less than $20, he repaired three pairs of shoes: putting a new heel on my black pair of boots, reattaching heels to a nice pair of Mary Janes that are comfortable to walk in but teaching-appropriate, and repairing the soles/lining of a cute pair of wedges that are super comfy AND stylish.

And as I was picking these up, I noticed some beautiful Hobo wallets, and asked if they repaired those, and they do--so I left my tired/worn Hobo wallet to get refinished, restoring it back to its former glory and further protecting the leather to extend its use-value. I had been thinking of getting a new wallet, but I love the Hobo I already own and didn't want to buy a brand new one (I bought this one used on ebay for cheap), so I'm excited that I can repair mine instead for a reasonable price.

It can be difficult to get out of the mindset of owning more and more stuff, and I don't think I'm to the point yet where I carefully choose what new items enter my house and work to live with less and more simply. But I'm trying, and I think I'm making some progress. I am beginning to understand the freedom, however, that comes with a simpler life.

post-fall challenge

Maybe it's because L is out of town. Maybe it's because I'm loving the strength I've gained and the feeling of healthfulness. Either way, it seems even though the barre3 fall challenge is officially over, I've been sticking with it, eating really well and exercising regularly, which is especially good since I run a half-marathon in over a week!

With my building core strength, I've realized that I'm poised to become a different kind of runner, one who is balanced and strong, perhaps one who can run a bit faster than I have before.  I understand better the ways my core drives the motion of my limbs, and that connection is something I can return to as I grow tired during a run to maintain my form and continue moving efficiently.

I'm looking forward to seeing how my racing performance has changed--and continuing to incorporate the healthy habits and exercise into my day as I pursue my degree and work with my students.

Psst! I got a shout out on the official barre3 blog! Neat!

The last day!

It is the end of the barre3 fall challenge, and I want to keep it going because it's been so transformative for me, in ways unexpected and amazing.  I mean, I didn't have a hard time adapting to the gluten-free recipes because, well, that's how I eat anyway, but the striving to incorporate a bit more strength training in made a huge difference.

Things that have changed:

• I lost a pants size. What!
• I have abs. Really, seriously. Like, I can see ab muscles. Also crazy-awesome arm muscles.
• All-or-nothing is dumb. If I can't get a workout in, then don't stress--but try.  I realized the mornings that I started off with a short workout, I had a bit more energy and felt more focused, so it's something I want to keep up with.
• Feeling stronger overall is awesome.
• As is running more efficiently.
• I feel more connected with my physical self, understanding better how muscles connect and work together.  Which means when I run, I'm conscious of how my core drives my arms and legs, and how I need to keep my form active to run well.

This is all pretty fabulous.  So, while I didn't go "all in" with eating and avoiding caffeine and alcohol, I still gained a lot from this experience.  And I can't wait to continue strengthening and improving and having fun, bringing what I learned in the challenge into my everyday life. :)